Ah! I keep wanting to blog, but most days I feel like I can't find time to shower, let alone sit at the computer uninterrupted for more than 5 minutes.
I'm not even sure where to begin with what's going on in my head. I've definitely been struggling more with staying at home the past few weeks. I think last week was the first time that it really sunk in that this is what I'm doing now. Prior to that it just felt like a fun, extended version of playing mom. But last week everything just kind of came crashing down on me.
I'm just not really feeling overly confident in myself, and I'm not feeling very competent and useful. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I think a huge part of my identity and worth was wrapped up in the coffee shop. I don't think that's *all* bad, but I'm definitely realizing that I need to stop letting myself feel defined by roles and things and relationships. I'm not entirely sure how to do that, and it's all very philosophical (I mean, where does our view of ourselves come from...), but I'm relying heavily on prayer and trust that God will reveal some of this to me. Because I don't want to be someone's mom or someone's wife or the owner of some business. Those labels just all seem to one-dimensional.
Last week Max was commenting that his, Milo, and my names all began with the letter "M". Thinking that he had somehow lost all ability to figure out letter sounds, I asked, "Max, what's my name?" And he said, "Mommy." I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. There are certain aspects of this new role in my life that I love. But something just isn't sitting right with it being "all" that I'm doing right now. (And, believe me, I could write a ginormously long blog about how much value I find in staying home right now, so don't think that I am forgetting what an amazing opportunity that I'm currently carrying out.) It just seems like 99% of what I do on a given day relates to being a mom. My Facebook statuses are all about my kids (sorry, faithful Facebook friends!), my conversations at night with Brian are all about our kids, and the only time that I'm away from my kids seems to be for unexciting things like dentist appointments. I love my kids. And I still think that taking care of them every day is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I just am being a baby about wanting my cake and eating it, too. (Mmmm....cake....)
Despite it all, I swear these aren't complaints. Just some honest observations in the mind of a tired, under-caffeinated woman. Things are just different. And in some ways I'm struggling, but it's not all bad. (Not "all bad"...spoken like a true pessimist!) :) And it doesn't help that I have about two weeks worth of blogging ideas swimming around in my head that I'm trying to cram into one post. This might be my first one without a cute anecdote. I promise to have lots of those next time!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I guess it always comes back to the coffee.
I think today goes down as the worst day of staying home with the kids to date. Although now that I look back on it to record it on this blog, it doesn't seem so horrible. But at 11:00 this morning, I was beyond frustrated. Here's the scene:
Ivy, Milo, and I had just gotten back home after going to the Campus and then grocery shopping. Those two things had gone relatively well, and Milo had even fallen asleep on the way home, so I only had one child to entertain while putting away the groceries, which is always a plus. So I was happily preparing my morning mocha and Ivy was, I thought, happily putting away the groceries (please note: she helped with this last time and pretty much everything ended up in the refrigerator, whether it needed to be there or not, which was perfectly fine with me because it kept her busy AND helped get food out of bags and into a closed space). This is the moment that everything went awry. I'm still not sure why, but Ivy grabbed a mug off the kitchen counter. This would have been fine, except that it was full of the coffee that I didn't have time to drink this morning. So in a moment, everything in the kitchen that had previously NOT been covered in coffee, now was: Ivy, Milo's carseat, Milo, the groceries, and about 25% of the kitchen floor. Thankfully, since the coffee was over three hours old, it was room temperature. But that didn't stop Ivy and Milo from immediately bursting into tears. How I didn't join them, I'll never know.
The drama doesn't really stop there, but anything worth sharing does. The shortened version is that I somehow managed to calmly get Ivy in the bathtub and repeatedly tell her that she wasn't in trouble, because she was convinced that she was. I got everyone and everything else cleaned up, but at this point Ivy was an emotional wreck, and after multiple irrational conversations (because there is no reasoning with a sobbing two-year-old), I forced Ivy to take a nap.
Like any person on any given day in any given job, it was just something that in the moment seemed overwhelming and awful. I was ready to go fill out an application at pretty much anywhere. But, also like anyone, once a few minutes (okay, maybe like thirty) passed, I was back to good. Present story excluded, I've loved the majority of my time at home with my kids the past month. To be completely honest, I kind of thought I would hate staying at home. And I do have some things that I struggle with. But days like today are a good reminder that to get the good, I have to endure the bad. And if the "bad" is spilled coffee once every four weeks, I think I can handle this job.
Ivy, Milo, and I had just gotten back home after going to the Campus and then grocery shopping. Those two things had gone relatively well, and Milo had even fallen asleep on the way home, so I only had one child to entertain while putting away the groceries, which is always a plus. So I was happily preparing my morning mocha and Ivy was, I thought, happily putting away the groceries (please note: she helped with this last time and pretty much everything ended up in the refrigerator, whether it needed to be there or not, which was perfectly fine with me because it kept her busy AND helped get food out of bags and into a closed space). This is the moment that everything went awry. I'm still not sure why, but Ivy grabbed a mug off the kitchen counter. This would have been fine, except that it was full of the coffee that I didn't have time to drink this morning. So in a moment, everything in the kitchen that had previously NOT been covered in coffee, now was: Ivy, Milo's carseat, Milo, the groceries, and about 25% of the kitchen floor. Thankfully, since the coffee was over three hours old, it was room temperature. But that didn't stop Ivy and Milo from immediately bursting into tears. How I didn't join them, I'll never know.
The drama doesn't really stop there, but anything worth sharing does. The shortened version is that I somehow managed to calmly get Ivy in the bathtub and repeatedly tell her that she wasn't in trouble, because she was convinced that she was. I got everyone and everything else cleaned up, but at this point Ivy was an emotional wreck, and after multiple irrational conversations (because there is no reasoning with a sobbing two-year-old), I forced Ivy to take a nap.
Like any person on any given day in any given job, it was just something that in the moment seemed overwhelming and awful. I was ready to go fill out an application at pretty much anywhere. But, also like anyone, once a few minutes (okay, maybe like thirty) passed, I was back to good. Present story excluded, I've loved the majority of my time at home with my kids the past month. To be completely honest, I kind of thought I would hate staying at home. And I do have some things that I struggle with. But days like today are a good reminder that to get the good, I have to endure the bad. And if the "bad" is spilled coffee once every four weeks, I think I can handle this job.
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