"M" for Mommy

Ah!  I keep wanting to blog, but most days I feel like I can't find time to shower, let alone sit at the computer uninterrupted for more than 5 minutes.

I'm not even sure where to begin with what's going on in my head.  I've definitely been struggling more with staying at home the past few weeks.  I think last week was the first time that it really sunk in that this is what I'm doing now.  Prior to that it just felt like a fun, extended version of playing mom.  But last week everything just kind of came crashing down on me.

I'm just not really feeling overly confident in myself, and I'm not feeling very competent and useful.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but I think a huge part of my identity and worth was wrapped up in the coffee shop.  I don't think that's *all* bad, but I'm definitely realizing that I need to stop letting myself feel defined by roles and things and relationships.  I'm not entirely sure how to do that, and it's all very philosophical (I mean, where does our view of ourselves come from...), but I'm relying heavily on prayer and trust that God will reveal some of this to me.  Because I don't want to be someone's mom or someone's wife or the owner of some business.  Those labels just all seem to one-dimensional.

Last week Max was commenting that his, Milo, and my names all began with the letter "M".  Thinking that he had somehow lost all ability to figure out letter sounds, I asked, "Max, what's my name?"  And he said, "Mommy."  I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.  There are certain aspects of this new role in my life that I love.  But something just isn't sitting right with it being "all" that I'm doing right now.  (And, believe me, I could write a ginormously long blog about how much value I find in staying home right now, so don't think that I am forgetting what an amazing opportunity that I'm currently carrying out.)  It just seems like 99% of what I do on a given day relates to being a mom.  My Facebook statuses are all about my kids (sorry, faithful Facebook friends!), my conversations at night with Brian are all about our kids, and the only time that I'm away from my kids seems to be for unexciting things like dentist appointments.  I love my kids.  And I still think that taking care of them every day is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.  I just am being a baby about wanting my cake and eating it, too.  (Mmmm....cake....)

Despite it all, I swear these aren't complaints.  Just some honest observations in the mind of a tired, under-caffeinated woman.  Things are just different.  And in some ways I'm struggling, but it's not all bad.  (Not "all bad"...spoken like a true pessimist!)  :)  And it doesn't help that I have about two weeks worth of blogging ideas swimming around in my head that I'm trying to cram into one post.  This might be my first one without a cute anecdote.  I promise to have lots of those next time!