clarity via sleeping baby watching

I just had one of those semi-rare moments.  I was holding Milo, and he was sound asleep, and so handsome.  And I realized that I've blinked and he's going to be one year old exactly one month from today.  And I thought to myself, "This is exactly where I want to be right now."

I've been doing some (super mild) soul searching and evaluating lately, and I've realized that just because my house isn't clean and organized (understatement of the year, by the way), it doesn't mean that I'm bad at my current role in life.  I just happened to have picked a "job" that isn't necessarily a match for my strengths.  In fact, it almost highlights my weaknesses.  Having the patience required to hang out with small children, cleaning, keeping up on laundry, being on time to kids' appointments, cooking meals.  I score low on ALL of those.  But anyone who knows me knows that I do love a good challenge.

So that's sort of where I am right now.  I started with this ridiculous idea that I was going to rock stay-at-home-momming.  And then I felt sorry for myself for sucking and made lots of excuses ("I'm still adjusting", "I'll start a new system NEXT week", "I have three kids; it's impossible to get anything done", etc.).  And now I've realized that the truth, and my new outlook on life, is somewhere in the middle of all that.  I don't suck, and I'm not a rock star.  But my kids love me, Brian is happy, and (shockingly), *I'm* happy.  So all the other stuff (the cleaning, the being on time, the organizing, the cooking), I just need to work on.  And it'll all be fine whether I ever make any improvements or not.  But it's like working out: I can't lose weight and get healthier if I don't make a conscious effort to do so.  Not too mention there is more to being a good mom than just keeping a house looking nice and putting Pinterest-worthy meals on the table every night.

So, speaking of which, there's a basket (or two...or three) of laundry staring at me.  And I have two sleeping children.  Goodbye, blog.  Hello, clean clothes.

Miss Smarty Pants

I don't have much time, but I just had to share this conversation that I had with Ivy today:

I told her that she could either have a tiny piece of chocolate cake or a tiny piece of scotcharoo* if she ate a good lunch.  As I was fixing her lunch, I noticed that the Nutri Grain bar that I tried to give to Milo for lunch was still sitting on the counter, and in lieu of throwing it away, I said, "Hey, Ivy.  See if you like this.  Milo didn't finish it, and I don't want to waste it."  I think she could have spied the raspberry filling from a mile away (note: Ivy hates most to all fruits), and she immediately shook her head furiously and stepped back a few steps.  So I said, "Oh, come on.  Just try it."  More head shaking.  More steps back.  So I said with a smile, "Well, what if I said you can't have a piece of cake unless you try this?"  And she looked at me in complete seriousness and said, "Oh, then I want a scotcharoo instead, Mommy."

I love my children.

*We clearly have too many chocolate desserts in our house.  But it's a good bad problem to have, right?  :)

My name is Kara. I'm bad at blogging on a regular basis.

Once again, I sort of took an accidental long break from blogging.  It turns out blogging is like pretty much everything else in my life: I can't quite seem to stick with it consistently.  At least I'm consistent in my lack of consistency.  Ha.

I don't even know where to start.  I feel as if something inside me has changed, or turned over, or....something.  I don't do New Year's Resolutions, so it's not like I'm on some new kick (although, now that I mention it, my running group has started up again after a three week break, and our core exercises are KILLING my abs, even as I sit here and type).  I just feel like I've finally embraced this new phase of life.  My little tag line lately has been, "I thought I'd hate staying home with the kids, but it turns out that I don't not hate it."  But if I'm being totally honest with myself, I do kind of love it.  I'm going on month six of staying home, and I don't have any plans to get a (paying) job anytime soon.  Well, not counting my one shift a week gig at Target, which I consider a break more than anything.  (I'd probably do it for free, but don't tell Target that.)

Milo will turn one in about six weeks.  And it's just another reminder of how life just seems to fly by.  (Because I swear I was *just* waddling my lil' pregnant self around weeks ago, not 11 MONTHS ago.)  I'm not sure I'll ever get on board with the title of "homemaker" (which thanks to the kids' constant doctor's appointments, I get to check a box indicating that as my profession on a regular basis), I can get on board with the moments that I have on a daily basis that I would probably miss out on if I was working full time outside of the home.

So, without further ado, here are some of those highlights from the past few weeks:

Me: It's so important to listen and learn in school.  Because there are kids in other countries who can't go to school or who don't have as awesome of a school as you do.
Max: Like England?
Me: Ehh, well, no, not really England.
Max: Like Mexico?
Me: Um, I guess, but I was thinking more of like Africa or -
Max: Ooh!  Like New York?!

Brian: Does anyone know where bacon comes from?
Ivy: Caramel!!!
Brian: Um, no, but good guess.  Anyone else?
Max: Chickens!!

Ivy, calling to me from the bathroom: Mommy, my poop stinks.  (pause)  Want to come smell it?

Not my best stories (in fact, possibly my least exciting ones to date), but this is a good reminder to me that I need to blog more often as the funny ones happen.  Because I really do forgot.  And that makes me sad.

Okay, I'm going to get back to cleaning the house.  Milo has been sleeping since noon (hallelujah!), and Ivy is asleep as well.  This is the second time this has happened this week.  I think it's a sign that I'm getting good at this mom thing.

at least there's still the chocolate.

Two days in a row.  Impressive, right?  Although don't get too excited.  I just happened to have a funny/mildly entertaining story to share, and the kids are all being extra well behaved, so it's like the perfect storm to enable blogging.

Okay, so I found this idea on Pinterest for a DIY advent calendar (well, I mean, I totally bought the actual calendar at Target, but the inner stuff is DIY).  It did NOT include the idea of chocolate each day, but I went ahead and added that.  Because I don't think Jesus intended anyone to countdown the days to his birthday without the aide of chocolate.  ;)  Anyway...the original idea that inspired me was to have a little object representing a concept from a verse from Scripture.  The pin included all the Scripture and object ideas, so I've just been using that, but a lot of them are a little abstract and deep for a 5 and (almost!) 3 year old.  So today's opening of the calendar door was pretty awesome.

The object was a string and it was supposed to represent that Jesus is a link or bridge between God and humanity.  I knew that was a little hard for anyone, let alone my wonderfully young and smart children, to understand.  So I had Ivy play the role of God and Max humanity, and I launched into something a little like this: "So before Jesus, there was God up here, and there was all of the people in the world over here.  And they had no way to get to God.  So God sent Jesus into the world, and he eventually died for all of our sins, and then all the people now have a link and a way to connect to God.  Does that make sense?"  To which Max responded, "Yeah. (pause)  I'm thirsty.  Can I have some water?"

I got you and I still believe...

Oh man.  Where do I even start?!  I've had about a billion ideas for blog posts in the past few weeks, but no time to actually create them.  And even today, my to do list is bigger than the time left in the day.  But somewhere in the past few weeks I've hit a turning point.  I think I might have actually started to embrace this staying at home thing.  I think there are a lot of contributing factors to that new outlook (time, my new part time & totally sweet gig at Target, and re-starting the daily chore list from MotivatedMoms.com that the fabulous Cassie Lahmann told me about a few years ago).  And also, I'm blogging on a good day.  :)

I've had so many times in the past week where I've found myself just, plain happy.  Watching Max run (and I mean RUN) into school each morning, sharing a smile with Ivy because we happen to find ourselves pretty funny in our private & silly moments, and loving listening to Milo because I know just the right spots to tickle him to elicit outright belly laughter.  And yes, there are bad moments, and days.  And yes, these are certainly all things that I could (and did) have while working full time outside the home.  But it's starting to sink in why God lead me in this direction.  It brings tears to my eyes (of happiness, FYI)  when I realize how many more of these moments I get to have.  And I'm pretty confident that I *will* work outside the home again, and I know that each day and each new phase brings more opportunities so I know I'll only collect more, but right now I have so much time each day to have them and recognize them and cherish them.  All very cheesy, but all very, very true.

However, I totally have another motivation for this blog today.  During all this hustle and bustle and craziness of everyday, mundane life, I have not taken the time to thank a dear friend for doing one of the most wonderful and thoughtful things that someone has done for me in a long time.  (Which really is saying a lot, because I pretty much have the most amazing group of friends and family ever.  Be jealous.)  So here is my uber public way of doing just that.  The thank you can't do the gift justice.  But I'm still going to attempt to express my gratitude.

So, about a month ago I received this in the mail:

It was from my friend, Donna.  It included a letter detailing instructions about the order in which to look at things included in the package (and the rule follower in me kicked in and I totally did as instructed) and an explanation of how this whole wonderful story played out.  I'll give you all the short version.

Donna knew how bittersweet closing the doors of the coffee shop was for me.  In fact, she was one of the first people I told about the decision because she happened to send me a random Facebook message the week the decision was made, and she lives far enough away and is a good enough person that I knew she could keep a secret until I was ready to tell the rest of the world.  ANYWAY, knowing how sad I was to be closing the door on a dream, and also knowing how I had very naively thought that I would one day somehow magically get the band members of Wilco to visit, she decided to do something to cheer me up.  A series of (kind of funny, and very typical life o' Kara) events followed, and Donna actually got one of the band members to call the coffee shop one day while I was still open.  I actually even remember the day, and the out of state number, and feeling bad for not being able to get to it in time (as occasionally happened while working solo). So, never undeterred Donna went to Plan B.  She printed off pictures of the coffee shop (from her second and what turned out to be final, visit on her way back home to California a few years ago) and took them with her to a Wilco show.  She proceeded to get them autographed, and then took all the care in the world to mail them safely, with a hand written letter explaining it all.

And as I sit here typing this blog at 1:40 pm, unshowered, with no lunch in my belly yet, and a crying baby at my feet, I'm so grateful for this gift of thoughtfulness from my friend.  There will always be a little coffee shop shaped hole in my heart that I just don't think anything will fill.  And that's okay.  Because it was a huge part of my life, and it made me who I am today, and I met so many amazing people through the 9 years of its existence.  And there is a sense of failure that looms within me, because I think that if I just would have done a little better, brought in a little more business, I could have turned down the offer to close its doors.  But when I lump all of these emotions and thoughts together, I'm faced with a beautiful realization that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.  And I'm happy.

I haven't had time to frame the pictures yet.  We're mid-finishing a room in our basement right now, and I think they will make a perfect home on the walls there, right next to the framed plexiglass Being There sign that Breona's stepdad gave me.  And while I don't need tangible reminders of the wonderfulness that that venture brought me, I'm still really happy to have them.  And I'm blown away by the thoughtfulness of Donna, and the kindness of the band members of Wilco to take time after a show to sign one more autograph.  They were, after all, the inspiration behind the name of the business, and their music has always moved me since that fateful day in 2001 when I first popped that CD in the player in my car on my daily drive to Central.

So, officially, thank you, Donna.  For not only taking the time to get these signatures on pictures of a place that is a part of me forever, but thank you mostly for being so sweet and thoughtful.  Those pictures and signatures will forever make my heart happy.    

better late than never

I haven't forgotten about this blog!  Life has just been a little crazy lately.  Nothing exciting.  Just every day busyness.

I plan to blog more actual blogs at a later date, but until then, here's a good Ivy quote (and a great example of a common occurrence in our house) for now:

Me: "Ivy, where's Milo?"
Ivy: "In the other room.  Eating a pencil."

And he was.  I got it from him before any major harm was done.  Although he was pretty ticked at me.

Also, this conversation occurred this morning:

I had just given Max his breakfast (super healthy chocolate donuts)....

Max: "Mom!  Mrs. Havens told me to say no to drugs."
Me: "Good, Max.  She's right."
Max: "So I can't eat these."
Me: "The donuts?"
Max: "Yeah!  Mrs. Havens said drugs are like candy, and they're bad for you.  And they'll make you sick.  So I should say no to these donuts."

Ah, if only I could stay away from chocolate using that mentality....

And now Milo is crying and Ivy has stacked three candles and an antique tea pot on our kitchen table.  I think I should probably go.  :)

Happy Boss's Day

It's been a rough past couple of weeks in our house.  Lots of sickness, numerous trips to the doctor, too many cancelled plans and shuffled schedules, and, if possible, the house has gotten even messier than it was prior to all of this.  The optimist in me (what?!...I totally have a little of it) says that I should just be thankful that the illness is all minor and, in theory, short-lived.  But the pessimist in me thinks that this just might be what pushes me over the edge into a full-blown nervous breakdown.

I continue to be asked by people how I'm liking staying at home.  I feel like it's the same as when you're pregnant and people ask you if you're excited (which I always found to be a dumb question anyway).  It just feels like there's a right answer that people are expecting.  Sort of like the "how are you today?" thing.  You're supposed to answer with "good" and be done with it.  I'm supposed to answer that staying at home is going well.  If I give any other answer it's either too much information or just plain makes me look like a bad mom.

I don't hate my new role.  But I can't say that fully love it.  And I'm not embarrassed by that and I make no apologies.  Because I *do* love my children.  And I *am* thankful for this opportunity.  I really do think years from now I'll look back on this time and be so glad that I was able to spend the extra time with the kids.  I look at Max and feel like I've just blinked and he became a 5-year-old.  And, despite that last week was one of the longest of my life :), it was nice to not have to worry about finding alternate daycare and calling employees to ask favors to work extra hours.  And I could be the one to give them extra kisses (and wipe their noses....and get whatever it is that they have five days later...).

The point to all of this (I swear that there is one), is that I am beginning to realize that the pressure to 100% love this staying at home thing is totally self-imposed.  Brian doesn't expect a clean house, or apparently, a sane wife.  He continues to love me no matter how disgusting our family room is or how often I serve him breakfast for dinner (it's SO easy...I just can't stop).  And he puts up with my constant emotional breakdowns.  And the kids seem to love me despite the fact that I forever mess up as a mom.  My patience has taken a nosedive the past few weeks, and poor Max hasn't been to school a minute before 8:40 (i.e. the time school starts) since September.  And as long as my family still loves me, which appears to be an unconditional, long-term thing, I really am as happy as a mother and wife could be.  It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed bad days and weekly cries on the kitchen floor (hypothetically, of course).  It just means that it's more motivation to keep working on being a better mother and wife.  Because these four, beautiful souls in my life really do make me want to be a better person.  And someday I will go back to working outside of the home.  And I'm sure at that point I'll miss things about staying at home.  The grass is always greener, right?  But this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now, and I've always loved a good challenge, so I'll continue to work on all these domestic skills that appear to not be a part of my genetic makeup.  And on the bad days, I'll take great solace in the fact that my "bosses" give performance reviews via kisses and hugs.